I'm a good person.
Why do these terrible things keep happening to me?
Oh, you're just having some bad luck.
Honey, I am in a rut.
I am slumping, and we're getting married in two days.
I need to... I need to turn this around.
Well, is there anything I can do to help?
You can... Give me your underwear?
Excuse me? It's what pitchers do.
When they're in a slump, they wear their girlfriend's underwear.
You're not a pitcher.
I pitched a little. No.
You watched Bull Durham a little.
A lot.
The point is, I need a good luck charm.
I'm serious. Where's your underwear?
Okay, but this isn't like a gateway thing, is it?
I mean, you're not gonna ask to wear my heels next, are you?
Nope.
That'll do, yes. See?
As soon as this slump is over, I'll give them right back.
Yeah, you know what? You can keep them.
But they're not gonna fit you.
They'll fit.
They don't fit.
They fit. I'm just...
Oh, there you are. Oh, there's so much to be done before the wedding.
We have to festoon the tablecloths and beribbon the tent stakes.
And we have to get ready for tea with Reverend Lowell this afternoon.
I'm gonna go for a run.
Melanie! What are you, bananas? There's no time.
No, I need to clear my head.
I still haven't come up with my vows.
You haven't written your vows?
I've got mine, so...
Although, it doesn't matter.
We don't need to be ready till the wedding.
So, you're fine, babe.
No, she's not "fine, babe."
Reverend Lowell is gonna want to see both of your vows.
Well, Mom, come on. What's he gonna do if we don't have our vows?
Well, he might not think much of your character and decide not to marry you.
Seriously? Yes.
No. Yes.
And Reverend Lowell has been there for every major event in this family's history.
Baptisms and weddings, and hopefully, someday, Dick's mother's funeral.
All right, Mom. I promise I will have my vows done.
And again, I'm in the clear, 'cause mine are done, so...
Okay, well, I have a gazillion things to do.
I don't have time to worry about you two.
Can I take something off your hands, Angela? I'd love to help.
Did someone say help?
Oh! Chad's here. Chad's here.
God, he's like the ice-cream man.
Oh, Sam, thank you for your kind offer,
but Sarah has lent me Chad for the day.
So I'm all set in the help department.
Is that the sign?
Survey says... Yes!
Oh, your sister sure knows how to pick them.
Yeah, that's great, man. Good work.
Now everyone in this family will finally remember their last name.
Actually, I had Chad make that for the wedding guests.
Since we already had a change of venue.
I wanted to make sure there was no more confusion.
Okay, the only question is, should I festoon it or beribbon it?
Why not both?
You are bad. You are so bad.
Oh! I keep forgetting.
You know, I need the tea set
that Reverend Lowell brought us from St. Petersburg.
It's in the top shelf.
That's the set that Sarah and I used when we sat down with the reverend.
And that went so well, I want today to be exactly the same.
Well, it won't be exactly the same.
Mel's not Sarah, and I'm not Chad.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I'll just get it down.
No, no. I got it, Chad.
Let me, buddy. I've got the wing span.
I think I can get it.
Well, honey, just let him get it.
Thanks for the support.
Are you wearing panties?
Huh? No, no, it's European.
Sam!
Pretty smooth. Don't you like that? You see that?
I'm sure I can fix this. I need tape or glue or something.
I got it, Sam.
I worked a lot with porcelain.
When? Camp.
Don't worry about it.
Thanks, Chad.
Yeah, you can see what he's doing, right?
Come on. It's obvious and annoying.
He's a swooper. He just likes to swoop in there,
try to impress your mom, make me look bad.
Honey, all he did was offer to repair a cup.
Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were such a Chad head.
Well, maybe he's trying to help because he knows how busy you are.
Maybe you should pack all your things into a van
and follow him around for the summer.
Why, you got a van?
You're gonna go to the office and pick up the wedding programs?
I am on my way.
Wait a second.
Are you still gonna wear my underwear? Yeah.
You really think they're bringing you good luck?
Absolutely. Honey, you broke a cup.
Did I?
Or did I not break four cups?
Hey, buddy. - Howdy do?
You're in my office.
I came by to see if you had those programs ready.
Soon. The copier broke, so it's getting fixed.
Why do you have so much disturbing pornography on your computer?
'Cause you put it on there.
Oh, that's right.
Copier should be working fine now.
Oh, thank you.
You don't have to close the door, it's okay.
Oh, actually, I do.
Because I see something else that needs servicing.
Come on, man. No!
Oh, my God. Man, come on, you can't.
Dude, you wouldn't let me throw you a bachelor party. I had to do something.
That's a very important document there, ma'am. I'm sorry, just don't...
All right.
You're doing that... You're doing that very well, and...
Just put this back on. Sorry.
All right, could I just get the programs?
You never cease to disappoint me.
Thank you. And thank you, but...
You're a lovely dancer. Excellent hip work.
Thanks.
Dude, you can't get married without strippers!
It's in the bible, I'm pretty sure.
Hey. Got the programs.
Oh! I have to say, Sam, these are actually quite lovely.
I'm good. I'm about to do some weeding.
These are great.
You like them? Not bad, huh?
Yeah, lot of hard work, but I'm kind of proud of them.
So you're proud of how you spelled Angela's middle name?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's Doucey, I know that.
Yes, it is Doucey. But Doucey doesn't have an "H."
"Angela Douchey Clayton"?
My God, I haven't been called that since Wellesley.
Okay, wait, wait. They can't all be...
All right, they are. Okay.
Give them to me.
I got a guy who can get you new programs in under three hours.
I have a guy, too. You're not the only guy with a guy.
I'll handle it. You can do the weeding.
I've got program duty, so...
I got it, buddy.
Okay, you know what? Programs, weeds, I'll go get my gloves.
I'm off to get your programs.
Thanks for the update. I'm here doing your weeding.
I'm surprised those lady gloves fit your hands.
Did you finish the weeding?
Yeah.
How are the vows coming?
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Honey, reverend's coming. You gotta get this going.
I know.
Hey, maybe I could get some inspiration from your vows.
Let me take a peek.
Oh, my God.
Not even married yet and she's already cheating.
Look at that. All right, they're right here.
Next to my incredibly disturbing sex toy.
What? Where'd you get that?
Let me see.
No. Adam sent a stripper to the office
because I wouldn't let him do the whole bachelor party thing.
And I must have gotten her bag.
What is that supposed to go in?
I don't know.
Now I've gotta go back to the office and get the vows.
Hey, Chad.
Just off to put up my sign at the end of the driveway. How'd the weeding go?
The weeding went well. Angela seemed happy, so...
Well, she should be. That was one big pile of poison ivy you pulled out.
What?
Good thing you were wearing those gloves.
Worst part of this is my panties are so far up my butt right now,
I'm afraid to pick them out.
Hold still.
Is this gonna heal before the wedding?
Yes, as long as you don't scratch it.
That'll only make it last longer and itch worse.
You know that I think Chad knew there was poison ivy out there,
and that's why he made fun of my gloves.
No, he made fun of your gloves because they were pink and dainty.
Honey, I'm telling you. Chad is out to destroy me.
Sam, Chad is not out to destroy you.
Now, stop all this pettiness and try to get along.
Okay, you're right. I'm not...
Okay, you're right. Pettiness, put aside.
Great, now your dad thinks I'm jealous of Chad.
You know what? Give me this.
I need to get going and get my vows.
Okay, but hurry up, because the reverend's coming in two hours.
Oh, yeah. That feels good. Thank you.
All right, stop scratching.
Shoot! Stupid calamine!
Come on.
What the hell?
Oh, my God.
My sign! My sign!
Oh, my God, it's ruined!
Are you guys... Oh, I am sorry.
I really appreciate you driving me to work. Thank you.
I would have been happy to borrow your car and drive myself.
I think you've driven enough for one day.
And, again, I'm very sorry about Chad's sign.
How about you stop competing with Chad?
And start focusing on how you're going to impress Reverend Lowell.
You know what, Dick? You are absolutely right.
And, trust me, my vows, he's gonna be impressed.
I mean, he's gonna forget all about Chad's.
And that sounds competitive, and I...
Let's just enjoy the silence.
You know I'm not always like this, right?
I mean, you should see me at work.
You should come up to my work.
This is my front door that I go through every day. Into the lobby.
So this is kind of my day. I would walk in here and...
Oh, you'll meet my security guard, Rocco.
You're gonna love him. He loves me.
We have like a kind of a rat-a-tat... kind of thing.
Hi. You're not Rocco.
He's on break. May I please check your bag?
Uh... Oh, maybe you're new.
We don't usually check bags.
Well, guess what? I do. Let's have it.
Uh, we usually don't check bags... Okay.
Don't... Okay, just do the peek inside.
Okay.
There was a stripper mix-up. I had the wrong bag.
What is this? Maybe wait in the car.
No, no. I'm enjoying this.
All right, just put it back in. We'll do the...
Sir, you're gonna need to have a seat right here.
People know me here. You don't need...
I'm gonna have to place you under...
a breast.
Okay. Oh, my God.
It's good, right? It's good. Everybody in the lap and party...
Hello, Dick.
Why did you bring Dick?
Dick, I'm sorry. This isn't how it usually...
I'll be in the car.
Okay. All right. Here you go.
And you put yourself there.
Excuse me. Give me the bag.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
Oh, hey. Where have you been?
The reverend will be here any minute.
Sam showed me where he works.
There was a stripper there.
What? Adam again.
It was bad.
Oh, well, at least you have your vows.
What?
Honey, you've had all day. What's going on?
I'm sorry.
Okay, he just pulled up.
Okay, now, I want this to go exactly how it went with Chad and Sarah.
Sam, you bring in the tea set and you serve.
Okay.
Okay, everybody, game face on.
Game face?
Reverend Lowell, welcome.
Your house is difficult to find.
You should really put up a sign.
Oh, yes, of course.
Melanie. Reverend Lowell,
I would like you to meet my fianc�...
Reverend Lowell!
Chad!
It's been too long!
You still owe me a glass of sherry and a heated discussion on David Hume.
You mean I get to do that before I go to heaven?
Anyway, as I was saying, this is Sam.
Oh, yes!
I would love to shake your hand.
I actually got poison ivy today, so...
Looks like the stigmata.
Okay, greeting time's over.
Shall we move to the living room?
Yes. And the real reason I'm here, a good cup of tea.
I'm chilled to the bone.
Sam, could you bring in the tea, please?
I'll help.
Oh, should we go in?
Okay, Chad, I really appreciate your help, I do.
I just... I would really like this chance to make a good impression on the reverend.
And I would have liked for him to have seen my sign.
I didn't use a stencil, Sam.
Those lilacs were hand-painted.
And I am very, very sorry about that, okay, man?
Are you? Yes, I am.
Can I please just serve this?
Sure, but don't forget, one of those cups is glued together.
So the moment hot water hits it, that glue is gonna melt,
and it's gonna disintegrate into a scalding shower of pain.
Okay, which one is it?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Really, Chad, you're that upset about your sign
that you want me to go out there and actually burn somebody?
You're right, that's probably too much.
It's this one.
This one here?
Or, wait... Maybe it's this one.
Chad! No, I...
Dude, I don't know. I did too awesome a job.
Wish my camp counselor could see this.
Just forget it. I'm gonna use these here.
What's going on in here? Reverend Lowell needs tea.
Did you not hear him? He is chilled to the bone!
I know, we're gonna be right out, okay?
Not those!
The St. Petersburg service. Chad and Sarah used them, and we will use them today.
I know, I saw those, but I...
St. Petersburg!
Chad, are you going to join us?
No, this is your time to talk to Mel and Sam.
Besides, Sarah called, and she needs me... Bad.
Go get them, tiger.
Careful, Sam, that tea is piping hot.
Thanks.
Sam, how about you pour the tea?
Oh, yeah.
There you are, your honor... Your sir... Holyship.
Oh!
Ladies first.
Oh, thank you.
Pour on, son.
This reminds me of when I met with Chad and Sarah.
Oh.
Oh, what a happy coincidence.
I could tell the moment I heard their vows,
they were in it for the long haul.
Well, I'm sure there's a lot of other non-vow-related ways you can tell that.
Waiting for my tea, son.
Oh.
When Sarah greeted me at the door,
she could hardly wait to read me her vows.
It was that exuberance that showed me the deep love underneath.
I can't forget my host.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, come on.
Sam?
You see, I don't come just for the tea.
I come for what's underneath.
Aren't you having some tea, Sam?
Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.
Sam.
Okay.
To what's underneath.
Hmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Ooh, that's hot! Ooh, that is hot!
Are those panties?
Oh! Excuse me.
Sugar?
I hope you'll understand my reservations about officiating on Saturday.
Come on, Tom.
Can't you please reconsider?
I'm sure that there's a reasonable...
I'm sure that there's an explanation for all of this.
Reverend Lowell, if we could just...
Please tell Chad that I said good-bye.
No, no, no. Come on, please. Don't let him go.
Panties, Sam? Panties?
They're not mine, they're Mel's. It was a...
I put them on to end a streak of bad luck. It's something pitchers do.
You're not a pitcher!
Nothing like this happened when Chad met the reverend.
Oh, I get it. Chad's awesome. Okay, thank you.
You know, "Why can't you be more like Chad?"
Maybe if I were, you'd still have your full tea set.
And your sign in your front yard.
I don't know, honey, maybe you wouldn't have
such a hard time writing your vows.
What? Is that really what you think?
That I wanna be with someone like Chad?
I don't know.
Sam, I love you because you aren't anything like Chad.
You're fun and you're unpredictable and...
And even when you do screw up,
it's only because you're trying to make everyone happy.
Especially me.
Heck, I know sometimes you feel like you've had a run of bad luck. But...
Just so you know, I feel like the luckiest person in the world.
Because I get to spend the rest of my life with you.
Oh, that's what I should say in my vows! What did I just say?
You started with something about...
That was the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me.
Well...
I think we should get married on Saturday.
I'd love to. We are gonna need a reverend.
I'm gonna get him. I saw his car.
Dick, I'm taking your car.
Sam.
How's he gonna find him?
He won't.
He'll just drive around for a while,
and then he'll get tired and he'll come home.
Oh, don't worry. We're gonna get you another reverend.
Yeah? Oh!
My friend, Helen.
She was just telling me that her church just got a new one.
Or was that new pews?
I don't know, I was distracted when she was telling me
'cause we were at TCBY.
That stands for the best yogurt in the whole country.
Mom.
I'm gonna call her right now.
Hey, man.
Hey, groom-baya. What up, what up?
I am actually driving around, looking for a reverend.
But I'm getting kinda tired so I think I'm gonna go home.
Yeah, dude, I'm really sorry about the strippers.
No, man, it's okay.
So sorry, in fact, that I wanna make it up to you.
I'm sending a little something over to the Claytons
that I think you are really gonna like, my friend.
Adam. No!
Peace, I gotta go. No more strippers, okay?
I'm serious... Adam?
Oh, good news! I reached Reverend Gage, and she sounds lovely.
And she was so touched by your story,
she's on her way to meet you right now.
Do you think that Sam will be back soon?
Yeah, any minute.
Hello, you must be Sam.
I don't usually take last-minute requests,
but you sounded really special.
I know who you are, okay, so... And I'm not interested.
I'm sure you have lovely breasts, but I can't see them today.
Excuse me? - Sam!
I'm not gonna tell you again.
You need to take those giant boobs and get the hell out of here.
Thank you.
Sam, that's Reverend Gage. She agreed to marry us.
No, no, Adam sent a...
This came for you.
"To Sam, love... Adam."